New Year; Pennies from Heaven

1 DAYS TIL 2015

 Words can't describe how excited I'am to say goodbye to 2014.
 This year has just been plain hell. Usually I don't do New Years Resolutions but, in 2015 I'am.

 My resolution is to be more healthy. I'm saying goodbye to pop and fast food, with exception of Chipotle! How can someone live their life without Chipotle?? You just can't. Seriously though, I have to get healthier because I have one kidney and I need to take care of it. Want to avoid problems down the line.

 Bringing in the new year bothers me a little for one reason, I feel like i'm leaving my Grandma behind. It's another day, month, and soon it'll be a year passing since her death. It's extremely hard! But, I will make sure I do all the things my Grandma & Poppy loved and I will carry them in my heart always.

 When my Poppy was alive, he collected any coins he seen lying around inside or out, he didn't care. Poppy always said "it all adds up in the end." Well, after he died I always found pennies heads up and they always just popped out of nowhere. I took that as a sign from heaven and that Poppy was with me. I made sure I picked each one up and kept them. Since Grandma died I have not found one penny heads up, there is always two pennies heads up together. Yesterday I found two sets.
 On a walk with Valentine, something told me to look down. When I looked down there was two pennies heads up by my foot. Later in the day I was in the bathroom putting my makeup on and there was two pennies by my makeup bag. and no it wasn't the same set. I was just speechless.

 I always wanted some sign from Grandma and Poppy. Just to let me know they are with me and that they were okay.

Well I hope everyone has a GREAT 2015. I pray for Peace. Love. and good health!


 xoxo

Grandma & Poppy's Christmas tree 2011

Blue Blue Blue Christmas

   Usually about now we would be making Christmas cookie in Grandma's kitchen with Christmas music on the radio. My favorite thing to do this time of year.

 

    Since my Grandpa passed away in November 2012, I've been lost.  Tried hard to get a grip on life but, MAN! it's difficult. I was never the one to let my emotions show how much I was struggling for my Grandma's sake, I had to be strong for her. Now BOTH of my Grandparents are gone.

  My Grandma passed away September 13th of this year. It was fast and I didn't have enough time to prepare myself.  When she had her Stroke in April I spent everyday with her. Depression kicked in and it scared me. Never have I seen my Grandma so down nor have I ever heard her talk the way she was talking. She thought the family didn't care about her and she was so scared of dying alone. She never wanted to be alone and Damn it! I was not going to let her. Everyday when I got off of work I would head to the rehab facility my Grandma was staying. Some days I had to make pit stops to get our Frozen Hot Chocolates from Tim Hortons or Milkshakes from Mickey D's. The nurses told me almost everyday how she tells them that she looks forward to see me and that she loved me spoiling her.  After Grandma's stroke it was terribly hard to get her to eat, Everything tasted gross to her and she said it didn't taste the same to her anymore. So, thats when the junk food came in. Of course she would eat that.

  My Grandma was a diabetic and that sadly did not stop her from eating her junk food. When she got to the point she wouldn't eat anything, I fattened her up with Shakes & hot chocolate. Sorry frozen
hot chocolates! Before buying her the junk, I definitely asked the nurses if it was okay. They said she can have whatever, as long as she ate something. Every night we would watch Family Feud at 7pm. Grandma had a thing for Steve Harvey. :)

  I cherished those times and I would give anything in the world to be able to be with her & my Grandpa again. Till this day I have refused to watch Family Feud. That was me and Grandma's thing. I also refuse to watch Bob Ross. My Grandpa & I would watch it everyday at noon. My Grandpa always told me "Look Baby, You can do that." My Grandparents was so supportive with me and my drawings, but I kinda gave up art after my Grandpa died.
  I miss drawing and painting. To be honest, I don't understand why I quit. Grandpa would definitely be disappointed in me and wouldn't want me to give up my dreams. Lately I've been working on pushing myself back to it. It's going to take time.

   Sometimes I ask God why did he have to take them away from me.
 Yes, I know Heaven needed two beautiful angels but why couldn't they be vampires and just live forever?

  After My Grandma died, I was kinda at peace. My Grandparents are back in each others arms.
 My family and I teased about what Poppy said when Grandma went to Heaven. We said Poppy was at Heaven's gates saying "I'd be a son of a bitch" and Grandma would be yelling "let me in fuck up man." They were so comical together. Poppy always tormented Grandma, It was just the greatest.

  Everyday I struggle with my Grandparents deaths. It still just doesn't feel real. My Best Friends are gone and I'm left here dazed and confused.   You remember when you were a child at the park, trying to walk up the slide and then sliding back down because you just couldn't make it to the top?  That's exactly how I feel when I try to get a grip on life now without them here. I pray everyday for comfort or signs from them just to know that they are okay & with me.

 This New Year I'm going to live to the fullest for them. Things are going to be different.

   I Love You Grandma & Poppy to the moon & back forever & always

So we meet again...

Since Monday night, Billy & I have been here in the hospital. 

Billy received a message from his doctor telling Billy he need to be admitted to the hospital to receive IV antibiotics to treat his UTI.  

So right now, I lay in this cold room, watching Golden Girls & listening to Billy snore his head off. This man has been sleeping ALL day & I'm just here, watching tv, playing with my phone. Just trying to keep myself occupied. 

Which was a complete failure...

It's nice to relax, but I hate the situation. I'm use to always being on the move. 

But hell I'm not complaining. 

 Went to OSU's gift shop & spotted a new Duck Commander book titled "Faith Commander". 

  You know I had to get it!

Haven't really got to read it yet. Probably read 2 pages and I was out. I've been sleeping a lot since we've been here :)

 But, I'm super excited to relax & just read. 

Almost! Everyone knows I'm obsessed with Duck Dynasty/ Duck Commander. The Robertson family is just an inspiration to me. I just can't get enough of them. You just don't see a family like theirs on American television anymore & it's really nice. 

Did I just sound old?!?

Well, I think I'm going to "try" & get some sleep.

GOODNIGHT Ladies & Gents!

  xoxoxo 

Proceed to Succeed

    This morning as I layed in bed all cuddled up in my little cocoon,
I started reflecting back on all my accomplishments I have accomplished this past year.
 To be honest, I never thought I would be able to get this far. I'm amazed!
I say that because my Anxiety and Depression at times take control of my body.
I never thought I would be able to work nor even drive a car, but guess what, I am!
&& It's feels amazing!!!!

My biggest motivators is Billy & the Lord Jesus Christ;

Without either of them, Where would I be today?
I wouldn't be
I'm going to be honest, right now I would probably be 6 feet under.
I hit a real hard spot in my life, and when I say hard spot I mean HARD.
It was like being hit with a ton of bricks.

I was on the edge of suicide :(

but, IM BETTER NOW!

I live for My Lord Savior everyday.
He has a plan for each and everyone of us.
When times get you down and you feel you have nowhere to go, or anyone to talk to,
turn to him and pray your heart out. He is always there to listen.


  A couple weeks ago someone told me I should start meditating, to help ease my body
and just help with my panic attacks.
I was iffy about it, I guess you could say I just didn't really understand the concept.

 Well,  I YouTubed Meditation & I watch a video.  I'm now HOOKED
I can't really explain how amazing it really is, it's just AMAZING! okay? :)

  Since i started meditating, I don't know what came across me, but now I search for peace and just a place where I can let loose. I guess you could say. Just a place where I can get all my stress off my shoulders.

&& Be Free...

  I'm becoming more in love with mother nature.

I love listening to storms
I love watching the river flow
I love exploring new areas

We wouldn't have any of these things if it wasn't for God.

Something that made me smile today :)
I have the greatest man <3

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives.

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

John 14:27

Saying Goodbye

Heaven received a beautiful angel!

I know you aren't hurting anymore.

I Love You & Miss You

Rest in Heave Aunt Cheryl 

7.28.1963-4.29.2014

In Need of a Break...

    Since April 10th as y'all know my Grandma has been in the hospital.
It's May 8th & she is still not home.

Last Monday she was moved to a rehab facility.
it's legit a minute away from my house :)
But, everyday i have been there to support her & just keep her company.
Each day is different but, she is improving each day little by little.

Each day I pray harder & harder.
She is such a fighter & I want to be by her side the whole way to help her chug her way up that hill.

Almost every night i'll stand by her bed & just rub her head for hours.
It just calms her and helps her relax.
Sometimes she just wants me to hold her hands :)
{it's the little things, that matter the most}

No one likes seeing their loved ones sick nor in pain,
It's the worst thing in the world but, NEVER let them see your emotions because it will take a toll on them.

Browsing Facebook the other night & I ran across a scripture that was just perfect for this time.

"God will carry you through the storm"- Isaiah 43:2

More bad news hit my family unexpectedly...

My Aunt Cheryl passed away unexpectedly.
Words can explain how i felt.

Cheryl is my mom's sister.
We weren't really close to her for different reasoning.
Last year, I went to Dollar Tree & found out she was working there,
every time i came in she gave me the biggest hugs & always told me how beautiful i was.

I'm not going to lie, I did go up there just to see her.
& then...
one day i went in there & i asked one of the ladies when Cheryl was working next,
the lady told me she moved to Cincinnati.
I was heart broken because i didn't know when i would see her again.
Never thought the next time i would she her is when she is laying in a casket.

My Aunt showing is this Saturday & to be honest i don't know how i'm going to handle it.
All I can do is pray and ask God for strength.

Last thing, I PROMISE.

This past Saturday, My Great Aunt (Grandma's Sister) had a massive Stroke.
We found out today they are only giving her a couple weeks.

I mean do you see why i need a break?
Can't handle anymore.

Just please keep my family in your prayers. PLEASE

Power of Prayer

Past couple weeks has been hard.
My Grandma was admitted into the hospital 2.5 weeks ago & is still there :(
she has Pneumonia & problems with CHF (congestive heart failure)

Since October, she has been living in a assist living home. (it's what she wanted)
Her health has been declining ever since Poppy died in 2012.
She has lost a lot weight & countless other things.

While she has been in the hospital, the doctors found tumors in her stomach,
we aren't sure if they are cancerous but, the doctor thinks they are just fatty tumors.

Don't worry we are still getting them tested!

This past weekend she was suppose to get discharged and transferred to a rehab facility for therapy because she is just beyond weak.

Well, that didn't happen!

This Morning I wake up to bad news. (best thing first thing in the morning, NOT)
My dad informed me they had to give her 2 pints of blood because she is losing blood
somewhere and her whole body is very swollen.
She then received 2 more pints of blood tonight!

So much is going through my mind these past couple weeks.
I'm absolutely terrified!

The other day i went to see her and she told me she talked to God and he said he was ready for her.
How am i suppose to feel about that?

Tears just flooded my eyes...

Please keep my Beautiful Grandmother in your prayers!
My Family & I would deeply appreciate it & also will Grandma.

I Love You Granny!

it's the little things in life

This morning as i'm sitting at the kitchen table i see this:

I teared up because that is such an amazing that she can connect with right now!

Forgot to mention in my last post, the other day I purchased Demi Lovato's book Staying Strong, 

I wanted my mom to read a bit of it. She fell in love!

So i just gave it to her because i knew she really needed something uplifting her spirits.

Shockingly, she is really keeping up with it, day by day :)

it makes me feel amazing that i can do stuff like this for her.

GOD, LOVE HER

Low times...

These past four days have been exhausting.
My Mom has a Herniated Disc in her lower back.
She has been on multiple medications including a pain patch named Fentyl.

The other day my Mom was not able to keep anything down, Not even her pills,
it went on for 3 days [give or take] because she is a stubborn mule & refused to go to the hospital.
 But, she finally gave in because it was just starting to be too much for her.

I'm not going to lie I've cried about everyday because i just have so much fear.
I'm terrified of losing my Mom,
 I'm still working on dealing with the lost of my Poppy, his death happened so fast
& we had no time to process anything.
So yes I'm terrified of something like that happening again.

anyways on with the story...

We found out the Fentyl pain patch, my mom used was hurting her.
She had signs of Fatal Respiratory depression!
Mom was wheezing.
I kept telling her to cough & she said "I've tried nothing is there, that the problem."

BYE BYE FENTYL!!!

Since she has been off the patch which today makes day #4
she has been going through withdraws.

• shakes
• hot
• cold
• anxiety
• nightmares
• PAIN!

the list goes on! 

How long will this continue??

it's 11:03pm right now
this is the first night my mom has not had any problems going to sleep.
[KNOCK ON WOOD]

sitting here in the kitchen till i know it's safe to go to bed.
Her problems have been happening around this time every night.
sooooo, my fingers are crossed.

Today she got pampered.
got her nails done
eyebrows waxed
and just relaxed.

I had to take a pics :)

I LOVE YOU MOMMA SOOO MUCH!!!!

THIS IS ONLY TEMPORARY & IT'S ALMOST OVER.

KEEP FIGHTING!!!

 Please keep her in your prayers through this hard time.

THANK YOU!

rough days

Valentine & her sticks.

Billy had a rough day today!

There is nothing i hate more than, seeing Billy miserable.
These nurses just don't know how to do their jobs right.
I really don't know why they're in this field.
We go through this EVERY wednesday.

It's just too frequent!

FIANCE TO THE RESCUE!!!!!

Ohhh holy pants!

Okay!  SCI caregivers does your spouse have a pair of pants or shirt that they refuse to get rid of??

Billy does! & this is the pair of jeans he will not let me throw in the trash.

EVERYTIME! he throws a fit saying "You can't, I Love those jeans" 

and then ill hear, "You act like people can actually see the rip". He cracks me up.

The tear is slowly making its way down bigger, and BIGGER. 

How long will this last?

Ill say one thing about these though, He rocks these jeans like no ones business ;) ;) ;)

to my adorable cousin:

HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY

Gracie Ann

WE LOVE YOU!!

Really Spring already? I'm sorry i love the winter way too much. 

Today has been a really good day!

Billy had a couple of appointments for his wheelchair today.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Don't get a Invacare wheelchair, the biggest piece of crap EVER!

Billy got this chair April 29th 2011, [yes! i remember the date] by the next week we were already having problems. 

Almost 3 years later. lets make a list of everything that is wrong

• Foot straps
• head rest
• Both side laterals are gone
• arm rest won't stay on
• joy stick has a recall

                                                                      Should I go on...

I can't count how many times i have fought with our wheelchair company & insurance to get repairs.

it's ridiculous! 

OSU was amazing today and Dr. Kim really listened to us and took notes on each thing.

Thursday, we have another appointment with them and someone from our wheelchair company will be having a meeting with us & Dr. Kim to get everything figured. 

Wish they would just do away with this chair completely and set Billy up in a brand new one. 

But, the insurance says every 5 years :( 

Earlier tonight i had a girls night with one of my best friends and we roamed Columbus and relaxed by the river. 

Of course we had to take pictures 

Soo without further ado...

Beautiful Columbus

we got amused with this light :)

Jessica Lynn!

didn't realize there was a dead fish to my left :[

Love her

I collected hub caps in my younger years. Here recently I was strolling my wheelchair down Fifth Avenue in the short north area of Columbus, Ohio. Those who are familiar with the area would tell you that Fifth Avenue is a rather busy road. As I was rolling down the sidewalk of the road, along came one of the nicest Mercedes Benz's I had ever seen. It was bright white with tented windows, what appeared to be twenty-plus inch rims, a great interior, it was nice and shiny, and it appeared to be brand new. Well, as it rolled past me, one of those fancy hub caps fell off of one of the tires and landed against the curb on the side of the road. The driver of the car just kept on zooming forward. I stayed around for a while to see if she would come back to look for it so that I could point out where it was for her. After about five minutes passed, she still hadn't come back to retrieve it. I didn't think much of it and just proceeded to go about my day. After I got a little ways down the road I thought wow, this is a lot like life. Often times we get hung up on loss, or set backs, or things that seem to just fall apart. But like this driver, don't let small things hold you up and keep you from getting where you're trying to go in life. If you have a dream and something seems to be holding you back from it, just keep moving forward. Keep fighting to live another day and keep rolling on. You are preordained to achieve greatness, and the more you believe it the more set backs you will overcome. - Billy George

Chapter 3 of 12

IT'S MARCH!!!!

Which means, we are getting older.

My birthday is on the 27th & Billy's is the 14th

I can't believe I'll be 25 TWENTY FIVE!!!! 

Can i cry now?

   I'll admit I'm a scared to get older, I mean look how fast the days, months, & even the years go by. 

I wish God invented a pause button for him. 

We could be limited to how many pauses we get. 

Good idea right?? Well, its never going to happen :(

                       Anyways 

    This past week has been a pain in my butt!! 

I've have never been so stressed out in my life.

 But, I'm happy to say its all coming to an end. 

HOPEFULLY! by Monday *fingers crossed*

Here's whats going on:

Billy did a writing job for this guy he met online & this is a paying job.

Well, Billy finished the paper, we received the check, & we go to cash it, well Billy's ID is expired so we couldn't cash it at a check cashing place. 

Billy decided to sign to over to me and i would put it in my account at the bank. So i did!

 That was the worst mistake...

The guy sent us a fraud check! 

& now my bank account is FROZEN for maybe up to 2 months.

 How am I suppose to live? 

 This all happened on a Thursday which is pay day for me & I received my taxes in the bank.

They took it ALL!! 

Not a penny was left. i ended up owning the bank money all because this stupid idiot decided to write a fraud check.

My Blood was seriously boiling.

Now! The Storm is starting to come to an end, THANK GOD!

As soon as my account became open again i closed that sucker in a heart beat & opened a new one. 

I'm not going to take chances of that guy getting a hold of my account somehow.

 Right now, I'm just trying to get everything put back together.

Columbus, is expected to get 6 to 10+ inches of snow tonight and all day tomorrow. 

Everyone around the Indiana/ Ohio areas please be safe.

XOXO

Throwback Thursday!

#PrayersforJennyNicole

  Ive mentioned in one of my post about my best friend Jenny who has been diagnosed with thyroid cancer last month and recently had surgery to remove her thyroid completely. 

Well, last week she began radioactive iodine, which is basically raidation & today she is having a full body scan to see if the cancer is gone and did not spread anywhere else in her body.

I'm just asking everyone to please pray for Jenny today. She's having a hard time grabbing a hold of everything. It has hit everyone hard & fast. 

 

Thanks xoxo

Waffle House post

Sitting here at Waffle House till it's time for me to head to work. I have to visit my Momma :)

 I'm really procrastinating today!

Set my alarm to 10am 

Probably hit the snooze button 8 times

Mornings are so rough for me.

Today I have to do so much laundry! 

Billy's laundry piles up so quick it's ridiculous. Sometimes I think these nurses just throw clean towels or clothes in the dirty laundry just because. 

At Billy's apartment complex they have quarter washers & dryers. 

So were spending 20 dollars every week. it's a bit crazy.

really can't wait to we get a place together. 

i want it to happen right this second but, there is a lot of things we have to get together first.

 Jeez Louise!!

\

 My eye is absolutely killing me today. 

Yesterday i got into a fight with my mascara & the brush stabbed me in my eye.

All yesterday i thought it was an eyelash or something. 

This morning woke up and its still there. 

so i investigated 

My eye ball is scratched. 

Love is in the Air....

Valentine's Day really didn't go as i planned. 

Yesterday i worked basically 3 shifts. the aide for one of my clients called off and i bet you can guess who took her place? ME, so i worked her shift, my shift, & was called into my mother's work to help them out with their Valentine's Day dinner and i don't even work there.  Let me explain, My Mom works as a waitress at Waffle House. Past 3 years on Valentine's Day they fancy up the restaurant and people make reservations for a special dinner. it's pretty nice!

Well, they were short on help, so the manager said "Wilma, Call your daughter were desperate" a ring a ding ding and i was in. Working there last night really made me realize how much i miss waitressing. 

A Couple years ago i worked at a Italian Restaurant, I Loved it. But, I was suffering horribly with my panic attacks and anxiety. 

A Lot of people don't understand that Panic Attacks just pop up out of nowhere, you could be in the happiest mood and then you feel like you have been hit by a semi. Don't get me wrong some panic attacks do come on if you over think things or if you are stressed out. While waiting on customers i would  get the worst attacks and they would come out of the blue, 3 or 4 times a night. Never did i panic at that job, i never felt overwhelmed. I Loved it. I had my regular customers everyday.  After 6 months i had to quit that job, I just couldn't bare that feeling every night. 

So it was amazing working last night at Waffle House, I made my mom proud. They call me "Little Wilma" :) This is probably the only time anybody will ever here me say this but, I am just like my mother.

Ekkk that's scaryyy

At the end of the night, i was happy i made some money but I didn't get to spend the whole day with My Valentine but we'll make up for that :)

    

Love You both very much!

Sitting here watching Ellen.
Billy is snoring right beside me.
& I'm waiting for this snow storm to hit
I'm so excited!!

Yes I said excited. I love getting snow storms, i just hate driving in it & having to clean off my car.
  The wind is starting to pick up & it's getting darker. ekkkk :) the weather guy said Columbus could get 4 to 6 & north of Columbus 6 to 10. Hopefully that 6 to 10 comes down into the Columbus area. Meteorologist never really seem to get the weather right 70% of the time. My luck this whole storm will miss us. (knock on wood)
 Enough talking about the snow.

 Billy just woke up and mentioned he was a little cold, there was cold air coming out of the vents, what the heck! went to check the thermostat & its 63 degrees with the AC on. the only people that could have done it is the nurse or the other aide. Freaking go outside if your hot. It's 23 degrees out. They just think about themselves & never about Billy their CLIENT who can't regulate his body temperature. URGHHH

  Lately, I've been trying to figure out some relaxing techniques to just calm my body & not be so tensed up.

I worry constantly about things. Past couple weeks just haven't been good on me physically and mentally. I've had a lot of anger built up, every little things aggravates me. it scares me and i question myself, Am I Bipolar? God, I really hope not.
  January 21st, my best friend, whose been my best friend since 2nd grade was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer. Right away they had to schedule surgery to remove her Thyroids. Now, she is on a no iodine diet till towards the end of this month.
Losing my Poppy is still very fresh for me, even though its been a year an a half since his passing, I'm just not ready for something like this again in my life. No, she isn't going to die. But, cancer isn't a easy thing no matter the type or stage or who has it. it affects everyone not just that person. Since her diagnoses it seems like its all she can really talk about and its understandable, but too be honest its really getting to me. I want to be supportive and be there for her every step of the way, but what do i do when it starts to bring me down and bring back memories with what my Grandpa had to go through and when i had cancer as a kid?

 NO MATTER what I'm still going to be by her side. I just need help on trying to get me to relax and not tense up through all this that is going on. am' I making sense?

I LOVE YOU JENNY BOO! You are a fighter <3