This is a can't sleep post!

I'm laying here all curled up in my blankets with Chance (my Dog) & I can't sleep for the life of me.

I can't stand when I get home from Billy's I can't sleep a wink but when I'm at Billy's it a whole different story. I sleep like a freaking baby. I mean come on! Billy always says he doesn't get why I'm like that, not being able to sleep at home, I always tell him it's because I just feel safe with him. Billy gives me the same response every time, "like I'll be able to protect you if something happens". I mean he has a point but I do too. It's just being in his arms or just being around him in general makes me have no worries at all, I feel safe! It's the best feeling EVER.

These past couple months, Billy has absolutely been my Prince Charming, he has done nothing but been by my side as much as he could be with all the stuff I've been dealing with, with Poppy being diagnosed with Prostate cancer in the beginning of October & then to me losing Poppy last week. It's been a roller coaster ride for me, we'll him too. He never gave up on me though. Even though my engagement ring broke in this whole situation :(
Some way I'm going to repay him.

Since Poppy died, I've been lost, just completely confused about everything. It's definitely something i'll have to get use too, but how do you do that? I feel like me crying is just a sign of weakness & I'm letting the devil get to me. I'm constantly thinking that I have to be strong & optimistic for God. As the days go on, I realize I'm only human, I'm not perfect. The only one that's perfect is God. I'm always looking at the pictures in my phone of Poppy, & I guess me doing that will bring him back but I know it's not.

I'm not going to lie, I wonder everyday if he's looking down on me. I really want to get Teresa the "Long Island Medium" to do a reading for my family. I think getting her would put my mind at rest & give me some closer. That lady is definitely good at he job. She has a year waiting list.
Well I'm going to try to get some sleep! Talk to you all soon :) God Bless <3