New Year; Pennies from Heaven

1 DAYS TIL 2015

 Words can't describe how excited I'am to say goodbye to 2014.
 This year has just been plain hell. Usually I don't do New Years Resolutions but, in 2015 I'am.

 My resolution is to be more healthy. I'm saying goodbye to pop and fast food, with exception of Chipotle! How can someone live their life without Chipotle?? You just can't. Seriously though, I have to get healthier because I have one kidney and I need to take care of it. Want to avoid problems down the line.

 Bringing in the new year bothers me a little for one reason, I feel like i'm leaving my Grandma behind. It's another day, month, and soon it'll be a year passing since her death. It's extremely hard! But, I will make sure I do all the things my Grandma & Poppy loved and I will carry them in my heart always.

 When my Poppy was alive, he collected any coins he seen lying around inside or out, he didn't care. Poppy always said "it all adds up in the end." Well, after he died I always found pennies heads up and they always just popped out of nowhere. I took that as a sign from heaven and that Poppy was with me. I made sure I picked each one up and kept them. Since Grandma died I have not found one penny heads up, there is always two pennies heads up together. Yesterday I found two sets.
 On a walk with Valentine, something told me to look down. When I looked down there was two pennies heads up by my foot. Later in the day I was in the bathroom putting my makeup on and there was two pennies by my makeup bag. and no it wasn't the same set. I was just speechless.

 I always wanted some sign from Grandma and Poppy. Just to let me know they are with me and that they were okay.

Well I hope everyone has a GREAT 2015. I pray for Peace. Love. and good health!


 xoxo

Grandma & Poppy's Christmas tree 2011

Blue Blue Blue Christmas

   Usually about now we would be making Christmas cookie in Grandma's kitchen with Christmas music on the radio. My favorite thing to do this time of year.

 

    Since my Grandpa passed away in November 2012, I've been lost.  Tried hard to get a grip on life but, MAN! it's difficult. I was never the one to let my emotions show how much I was struggling for my Grandma's sake, I had to be strong for her. Now BOTH of my Grandparents are gone.

  My Grandma passed away September 13th of this year. It was fast and I didn't have enough time to prepare myself.  When she had her Stroke in April I spent everyday with her. Depression kicked in and it scared me. Never have I seen my Grandma so down nor have I ever heard her talk the way she was talking. She thought the family didn't care about her and she was so scared of dying alone. She never wanted to be alone and Damn it! I was not going to let her. Everyday when I got off of work I would head to the rehab facility my Grandma was staying. Some days I had to make pit stops to get our Frozen Hot Chocolates from Tim Hortons or Milkshakes from Mickey D's. The nurses told me almost everyday how she tells them that she looks forward to see me and that she loved me spoiling her.  After Grandma's stroke it was terribly hard to get her to eat, Everything tasted gross to her and she said it didn't taste the same to her anymore. So, thats when the junk food came in. Of course she would eat that.

  My Grandma was a diabetic and that sadly did not stop her from eating her junk food. When she got to the point she wouldn't eat anything, I fattened her up with Shakes & hot chocolate. Sorry frozen
hot chocolates! Before buying her the junk, I definitely asked the nurses if it was okay. They said she can have whatever, as long as she ate something. Every night we would watch Family Feud at 7pm. Grandma had a thing for Steve Harvey. :)

  I cherished those times and I would give anything in the world to be able to be with her & my Grandpa again. Till this day I have refused to watch Family Feud. That was me and Grandma's thing. I also refuse to watch Bob Ross. My Grandpa & I would watch it everyday at noon. My Grandpa always told me "Look Baby, You can do that." My Grandparents was so supportive with me and my drawings, but I kinda gave up art after my Grandpa died.
  I miss drawing and painting. To be honest, I don't understand why I quit. Grandpa would definitely be disappointed in me and wouldn't want me to give up my dreams. Lately I've been working on pushing myself back to it. It's going to take time.

   Sometimes I ask God why did he have to take them away from me.
 Yes, I know Heaven needed two beautiful angels but why couldn't they be vampires and just live forever?

  After My Grandma died, I was kinda at peace. My Grandparents are back in each others arms.
 My family and I teased about what Poppy said when Grandma went to Heaven. We said Poppy was at Heaven's gates saying "I'd be a son of a bitch" and Grandma would be yelling "let me in fuck up man." They were so comical together. Poppy always tormented Grandma, It was just the greatest.

  Everyday I struggle with my Grandparents deaths. It still just doesn't feel real. My Best Friends are gone and I'm left here dazed and confused.   You remember when you were a child at the park, trying to walk up the slide and then sliding back down because you just couldn't make it to the top?  That's exactly how I feel when I try to get a grip on life now without them here. I pray everyday for comfort or signs from them just to know that they are okay & with me.

 This New Year I'm going to live to the fullest for them. Things are going to be different.

   I Love You Grandma & Poppy to the moon & back forever & always

So we meet again...

Since Monday night, Billy & I have been here in the hospital. 

Billy received a message from his doctor telling Billy he need to be admitted to the hospital to receive IV antibiotics to treat his UTI.  

So right now, I lay in this cold room, watching Golden Girls & listening to Billy snore his head off. This man has been sleeping ALL day & I'm just here, watching tv, playing with my phone. Just trying to keep myself occupied. 

Which was a complete failure...

It's nice to relax, but I hate the situation. I'm use to always being on the move. 

But hell I'm not complaining. 

 Went to OSU's gift shop & spotted a new Duck Commander book titled "Faith Commander". 

  You know I had to get it!

Haven't really got to read it yet. Probably read 2 pages and I was out. I've been sleeping a lot since we've been here :)

 But, I'm super excited to relax & just read. 

Almost! Everyone knows I'm obsessed with Duck Dynasty/ Duck Commander. The Robertson family is just an inspiration to me. I just can't get enough of them. You just don't see a family like theirs on American television anymore & it's really nice. 

Did I just sound old?!?

Well, I think I'm going to "try" & get some sleep.

GOODNIGHT Ladies & Gents!

  xoxoxo 

Proceed to Succeed

    This morning as I layed in bed all cuddled up in my little cocoon,
I started reflecting back on all my accomplishments I have accomplished this past year.
 To be honest, I never thought I would be able to get this far. I'm amazed!
I say that because my Anxiety and Depression at times take control of my body.
I never thought I would be able to work nor even drive a car, but guess what, I am!
&& It's feels amazing!!!!

My biggest motivators is Billy & the Lord Jesus Christ;

Without either of them, Where would I be today?
I wouldn't be
I'm going to be honest, right now I would probably be 6 feet under.
I hit a real hard spot in my life, and when I say hard spot I mean HARD.
It was like being hit with a ton of bricks.

I was on the edge of suicide :(

but, IM BETTER NOW!

I live for My Lord Savior everyday.
He has a plan for each and everyone of us.
When times get you down and you feel you have nowhere to go, or anyone to talk to,
turn to him and pray your heart out. He is always there to listen.


  A couple weeks ago someone told me I should start meditating, to help ease my body
and just help with my panic attacks.
I was iffy about it, I guess you could say I just didn't really understand the concept.

 Well,  I YouTubed Meditation & I watch a video.  I'm now HOOKED
I can't really explain how amazing it really is, it's just AMAZING! okay? :)

  Since i started meditating, I don't know what came across me, but now I search for peace and just a place where I can let loose. I guess you could say. Just a place where I can get all my stress off my shoulders.

&& Be Free...

  I'm becoming more in love with mother nature.

I love listening to storms
I love watching the river flow
I love exploring new areas

We wouldn't have any of these things if it wasn't for God.

Something that made me smile today :)
I have the greatest man <3

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives.

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

John 14:27

Saying Goodbye

Heaven received a beautiful angel!

I know you aren't hurting anymore.

I Love You & Miss You

Rest in Heave Aunt Cheryl 

7.28.1963-4.29.2014

In Need of a Break...

    Since April 10th as y'all know my Grandma has been in the hospital.
It's May 8th & she is still not home.

Last Monday she was moved to a rehab facility.
it's legit a minute away from my house :)
But, everyday i have been there to support her & just keep her company.
Each day is different but, she is improving each day little by little.

Each day I pray harder & harder.
She is such a fighter & I want to be by her side the whole way to help her chug her way up that hill.

Almost every night i'll stand by her bed & just rub her head for hours.
It just calms her and helps her relax.
Sometimes she just wants me to hold her hands :)
{it's the little things, that matter the most}

No one likes seeing their loved ones sick nor in pain,
It's the worst thing in the world but, NEVER let them see your emotions because it will take a toll on them.

Browsing Facebook the other night & I ran across a scripture that was just perfect for this time.

"God will carry you through the storm"- Isaiah 43:2

More bad news hit my family unexpectedly...

My Aunt Cheryl passed away unexpectedly.
Words can explain how i felt.

Cheryl is my mom's sister.
We weren't really close to her for different reasoning.
Last year, I went to Dollar Tree & found out she was working there,
every time i came in she gave me the biggest hugs & always told me how beautiful i was.

I'm not going to lie, I did go up there just to see her.
& then...
one day i went in there & i asked one of the ladies when Cheryl was working next,
the lady told me she moved to Cincinnati.
I was heart broken because i didn't know when i would see her again.
Never thought the next time i would she her is when she is laying in a casket.

My Aunt showing is this Saturday & to be honest i don't know how i'm going to handle it.
All I can do is pray and ask God for strength.

Last thing, I PROMISE.

This past Saturday, My Great Aunt (Grandma's Sister) had a massive Stroke.
We found out today they are only giving her a couple weeks.

I mean do you see why i need a break?
Can't handle anymore.

Just please keep my family in your prayers. PLEASE

Power of Prayer

Past couple weeks has been hard.
My Grandma was admitted into the hospital 2.5 weeks ago & is still there :(
she has Pneumonia & problems with CHF (congestive heart failure)

Since October, she has been living in a assist living home. (it's what she wanted)
Her health has been declining ever since Poppy died in 2012.
She has lost a lot weight & countless other things.

While she has been in the hospital, the doctors found tumors in her stomach,
we aren't sure if they are cancerous but, the doctor thinks they are just fatty tumors.

Don't worry we are still getting them tested!

This past weekend she was suppose to get discharged and transferred to a rehab facility for therapy because she is just beyond weak.

Well, that didn't happen!

This Morning I wake up to bad news. (best thing first thing in the morning, NOT)
My dad informed me they had to give her 2 pints of blood because she is losing blood
somewhere and her whole body is very swollen.
She then received 2 more pints of blood tonight!

So much is going through my mind these past couple weeks.
I'm absolutely terrified!

The other day i went to see her and she told me she talked to God and he said he was ready for her.
How am i suppose to feel about that?

Tears just flooded my eyes...

Please keep my Beautiful Grandmother in your prayers!
My Family & I would deeply appreciate it & also will Grandma.

I Love You Granny!